odd little bean

last saturday night i was at a rooftop party full of boston’s finest gay men.  it was one of the only moments in the past month that i’ve actually felt like i was in my element.  this isn’t to say i’m a gay man trapped in a straight girl’s body…it’s just to say that i’m an incurable gaysha.  i’ll take a homo sapiens over a hetro sapiens any freaking day of the week.  cock suckers, please file yourselves in a straight line behind me.  oh, and feel free to hum madonna tunes while you do it.

anyhow.

i was talking to one of the boys and telling him how much i miss my san francisco GBFs, and how i have been reminiscing over the precious moments like the time fredo hoisted me up onto his bed and placed my body in the correct position for attempting anal sex, should i ever lose my mind and decide i want my shit compacted.

the boston boy said, “oooh.  what position did he show you?”

i told him it was sort of like a crouching lionness.  it required kneeling on a bed on all 4s with my butt low in the air, my forearms both fully on the bed, and one leg bent and skewed forward with the other leg slightly bent and skewed back.

the boston boy looked at my skeptically while i explained it, and then said, “no.  no no no.  that isn’t the easiest way at all.  let me tell you how to do it. . . ”

he did, indeed, give me a very different posturing, which i was somewhat skeptical of, causing me to phone fredo the following morning.  here’s how the call went:

me: FREDO!  i went to a homo party last night!  it was awesome!  i showed one of them your “butt humping for dummies” position and they told me that they had an easier one.

fredo: mmm hmm.  well, honey?  what was it?

me: apparently newcomers to anal should lower themselves slowly down onto the penis from on top and then twist down onto it. . .

fredo [interrupting me]: HONEY!  you were hanging out with [dramatic pause] ADVANCED GAYS!  i can’t believe he told you to start out with the helicopter.  jesus christ.   you’ll break your va-jay-jay in half if you try that.  god [rolls eyes (obv i couldn't see him rolling his eyes bc we were on the phone, but i know fredo, and i know he was rolling them)] you’re not ready for the helicopter, sweetie.

me: it DID sound sort of tricky…somewhat like the chinese basket trick.  how long did it take YOU to do the helicopter?

fredo: JESUS!  I HAVEN’T DONE THAT YET!  I’M NOT THAT ADVANCED!  i’ve just seen it in movies.

me: will you call me when you finally do it?

fredo: of course, sweetie.  now go find yourself some beginner gays while i go to the fredo kahlo exhibit at the moma.  mmmmwah.  bye!

in other news, fredo taught me a new word:  gabies.

vocab word in action:

fredo: what kind of gays were at the party, honey?  were they gabies?

me: ummm.  what’s a gabie?

fredo: gabies are the kind of gay men who get married and have babies.

me: hmm…i don’t think any of them had kids.

fredo: no, no, no.  they don’t ACTUALLY have to have babies.  they just have to be that TYPE.

me: one couple had cape cod outfits on.  one boy was in seersucker and a striped nautical belt and the other was in whale pants.  does that count?

fredo: close enough.

he’s right i think.  wearing whale pants is a total gateway behavior choice.  next thing you know that dude will be helicoptering his asshole around a cock, and then BAM! out pops an ass baby.  or would that be an ass GAYby?