odd little bean

okay, y’all.  i feel the need to clear the air about the little (and i do mean little) incident i had with my ford fiesta this weekend.  those of you who don’t follow my tweets might not know that i dented the roof of my fiesta in portsmouth, nh while i was running the length of it, from bonnet to boot (as they say in the UK).

the big question i’ve been getting is the obvious one: why on earth did i think it would be a good idea to stomp all over the roof of my car? the honest answer is this: i was testing out an idea to make a super cool animated gif.  what i would do is jump in place on about 12 spots on the car.  i would get a pic of me about 1 foot in the air hovering over the car in each of those 12 spots.  i would then blend them together and make an animated image that made it look like i was soaring upright over the car.  it was obviously not a good idea, and i didn’t even have my camera in a smart place for my test run.  all i can really say is oops.

i called my boyfriend when i got back from the coast, and i told him what had happened.  like everyone else, he was thoroughly confused as to why i would put 150 pounds of pressure on one tiny part of the roof of my car and expect nothing to happen.  i told him point blank that i had done it to all of my other cars and nothing EVER happened.  it was at this point when nick filled in the missing piece of the puzzle for me.  “bliss,” he said, “your fiesta is a SUB-COMPACT car.”

[long introspective pause]

quickly i thought back to all of the times i had done stunts on top of cars: ford escape, ford explorer, gmc yukon, toyota landcruiser.  crap.  even when teen wolf goes road surfing he does it on top of a van.  it hadn’t even crossed my mind that a sub-compact would hold up differently to roof antics.

up until the fiesta, i’ve been a strict suv girl.  my “starter car” was a ford escape, which i drove up and over curbs, onto grassy lawns (see video below, courtesy of scotty and fiddy from www.hitch50.com fame),

i sold my escape when i left california, and i ended up replacing it with a toyota landcruiser that i affectionately called, “the beast.” the roof of the beast could support the weight of me AND my friends.

basically, i’m pleading ignorance.  i honestly just didn’t know better.  i love cars, i love touching cars, and i wanted to be on top of my fiesta.

whoa.  wait a second.  that was a totally pervy thing to write, and i didn’t mean it in a pervy way at all.  i DO like the way smooth metal feels, but i’m not an objectum sexual (someone who is literally in love with buildings and objects) by any means.

that guy in the video?  i do not relate.  i do, however, relate to being BFF with my cars.  my early morning commutes with spongebob (my ford escape) in california were times when i could take a few deep breaths under perfectly controlled climatic conditions and get myself mentally prepared for each day.   on quiet empty roads, we were warriors together.  we could have taken on anything life threw at us, spongey and i.

my morning commute in boston is a 1.3 mile walk, so until my job moves (either to south boston or cincinnati) i only hang with plankton on nights and weekends.  he’s more like my dirty mistress (dirty mister?) than he is my soumate.  that said, he’s an awfully cute dirty mistress, don’t you think?

if nothing else, what slays me is his boot.  it’s just so…BIG.  it’s like OUT THERE.  it must be one of those euro car boots.  look at it.  it looks…like a total…walk-in freezer  [thumping rap beat kicks in here] I LIKE BIG BOOTS, AND I CAN NOT LIE.  you other packrats can’t deny, when a car fit into an itty bitty space and shoves a huge boot in your face you get SPRUNG…

end note: if you find objectum sexuals strangely compelling, you really need to watch “married to the eiffel tower” parts 1 and 2.  they’ve been pulled off of most video sharing sites for copyright infringement, but if you can find it it is completely worth watching if not just for the scene of the woman smearing ferris wheel grease all over her face after she “has sex” with the amusement park ride.  yes, you just read that correctly.  don’t hate the playa’, hate the game.