odd little bean

i’m 32 and 1 month old today.

my hips crack when i walk, my skin is getting crumpley, and i slept through the last two new year’s eves without feeling any guilt.

in all of my ancientness i’ve come to realize that the old adage about everyone dragging around baggage with them wherever they go is more true than it’s not.  my twin (aka my lovely boyfriend) is no different, but his baggage is of a special sort.  while most people’s baggage includes a vivid assortment of lost loves, childhood traumas, abandonment issues, daddy issues (or potentially mommy issues if you’re a beauty queen), and body image/eating disorder stuff.  my twin’s baggage includes mint condition punky brewster dolls, carly simon LPs, small ET figurines, ceramic hockey player flasks, and ewok villages.

my twin is a collector.

a year and a half into our relationship we decided we had spent entirely too much time on iChat, and i moved from boston to his home city of cincinnati (”the nasti”).

i had no idea that we would be sharing our new flat with his Dark Passenger — the contents of his two storage units.  on the plus side, our house is large enough for each of us to have our own rooms for our sundries.  i keep my sewing and knitting stuff in mine, and he keeps his collections in his.  i don’t ever have to open the door to his formidable past if i don’t want to.  on the minus side, it takes a psychological toll on me just knowing it is there, and it’s starting to bother him too.  who the hell needs a my pet monster stuffed animal with broken plastic chains?  apparently my twin did…for the past 20 years or so.

my twin is a legacy collector.  his dad is a collector, and his dad turned his mom into a collector.  collectively, they raised both of their children as collectors, and now both children struggle with the fact that they’re fully-grown adults with stockpiles of barbies and GI joe dolls.

how many times have i heard:  DON’T TOUCH THOSE GI JOES!  THOSE ARE THE GOOD ONES!

okay, only once, but i nearly peed myself with laughter when i saw how alarmed he looked as i reached for one of the dudes in the tupperware bin.

actually, before i forget, if you’re in the market for a 1970s barbie dreamhouse i can put you into contact with his sister, who is going through a purge period (following her mother telling her that she would no longer be paying for her storage unit, and that she would either have to sell everything, move it to new york, or transfer the unit over onto her own credit card). [UPDATE: SOLD]

to celebrate the new year (and to prepare for the inevitable move to the west coast), my twin and i have joined forces and decided to clean ship. ALL DECKS SHALL BE SWABBED!  ALL TREASURES SHALL BE CAST OUT INTO THE OPEN SEA OF LAND LUBBERS. the only things we are keeping are our gold dubloons and pieces of 8.  and our patagonia.  this includes the patagonia backpack i haven’t worn yet, because i’m saving that one for the day when my current patagonia backpack and messenger bag shit the bed.  hey — a girl needs back-ups…

today we sorted the LPs into keep and sell piles.  it took us 2 hours and 5 allergy attacks, but at the end of it all, we nearly cut the stack in half.  thanks to me, all of the billy joel and paul simon stayed with us.  thanks to my twin, we have every david bowie, queen, and rod stewart LP in existence.  sorry partridge family, but you didn’t meet our stringent standards.  jethro tull also hit the chopping block today, so look for that to hit eBay in the near future.

although we don’t have a specific date set, i think we would both like to see everything gone by easter.  you know…so we have room for peeps, eggs, cellophane grass, and pink jesus magic 8-ball statues.  speaking of pink jesus magic 8 ball statues, my twin has one of those too.  the verdict is still out on whether he will be purging it, and it’s not actually in our house anyhow: pink jesus lives in the closet of his sister’s old room at their mom’s house.

jesus, will i learn to play my banjo this year?

outlook hazy.  try again later.

i’m sure that skeletor would be thoroughly unamused that one of the first items on the collection guillotine is castle grayskull.  click the pic for the CL ad, or make a bid on eBay.

tomorrow someone will swing by the house to pink up one of his pieces of modern furniture that neither of us were fond of, and following that transaction he will post his 18″ punky brewster doll and his joe camel director chair to eBay.

as he posts the stuff, i will blog it, so if you have a soft spot in your wallet for menudo lunch boxes, happy meal toys, ewok villages, or old carole king LPs then check back often.  alternately you could check back often because i promised my sister scariel that i would pick up blogging again.  i can’t promise you anything scandalous since i’m old and boring now, but at the very least you’ll receive laser hair removal updates, photos of my wild midwestern adventures, and progress updates on my knitting and recovering projects.

holy fuck.

next thing you know i’ll be making doilies and baking casseroles.

please pink jesus, let me never pass on a loaf of amish friendship bread while i live here.

it is decidedly so.